The past few months had been difficult for me. Read any of my past entry and you'll see how painful it has been. I feel like being a soldier in a battlefield. All my comrades had fallen, and while I'm still battling my pain and wounds, there, on the horizon another battalion of enemies ready to butcher me alive. Despite the fact that I have no chance of surviving this battle, I must not give up. And today, I shall still stand firm .. but does not mean I have to cry through my suffering, for I can decide to be free of pain and today of all days, I have decided not to feel pain.

For that, I need to do a few things. First of all, I need to thank those who are concern enough to at least ask me what went wrong. You know who you are. Some are close friends, some, I haven't even talked to for quite some time. Sorry if I lied to some of you by saying there's nothing wrong with me, that I just want to blow some steam off, that things are dandy, that I'm still smiling ... Things are not fine but what I feel is so painful, I can't even bare talking about it.

And to those who do care and yet I somewhat alienated you, please forgive me. No matter how much I tried to control the pain in me, sometimes, a spark or two would slip through. Please forgive me for my harsh words or my expressionless face.

Secondly, to those who actually cause me pain without a flicker of regret, I forgive you. May God spare you from this cold, gnawing, wretched, painful, unrelentless, unbareable loneliness that you have smilingly brought unto me.

Thirdly, I would like to forgive myself, for not being faithful enough to believe that God will help me through this ordeal. For not being believing in what I am capable of doing, for not being stuborn enough to not let my heart cry alone in these dark winter nights.

I shall not give up yet I refuse to feel pain. I have more important things to do today then squirm at someone's mercy