If you care about others but no one gives a crap about you If you being affectionate but no one bothers to care If you smile but no one smiles back If you listen but no one hears your heart screams If you wipe tears but no one realises you are withholding yours If you offer your warmth but no one feels how cold and lonely you are inside If you run to others' rescue but no one lift you up when you fall If you tend to wounds but no one sees you are bleeding Then ... why would you even bother being good at all?
The past few months had been difficult for me. Read any of my past entry and you'll see how painful it has been. I feel like being a soldier in a battlefield. All my comrades had fallen, and while I'm still battling my pain and wounds, there, on the horizon another battalion of enemies ready to butcher me alive. Despite the fact that I have no chance of surviving this battle, I must not give up. And today, I shall still stand firm .. but does not mean I have to cry through my suffering, for I can decide to be free of pain and today of all days, I have decided not to feel pain.
For that, I need to do a few things. First of all, I need to thank those who are concern enough to at least ask me what went wrong. You know who you are. Some are close friends, some, I haven't even talked to for quite some time. Sorry if I lied to some of you by saying there's nothing wrong with me, that I just want to blow some steam off, that things are dandy, that I'm still smiling ... Things are not fine but what I feel is so painful, I can't even bare talking about it.
And to those who do care and yet I somewhat alienated you, please forgive me. No matter how much I tried to control the pain in me, sometimes, a spark or two would slip through. Please forgive me for my harsh words or my expressionless face.
Secondly, to those who actually cause me pain without a flicker of regret, I forgive you. May God spare you from this cold, gnawing, wretched, painful, unrelentless, unbareable loneliness that you have smilingly brought unto me.
Thirdly, I would like to forgive myself, for not being faithful enough to believe that God will help me through this ordeal. For not being believing in what I am capable of doing, for not being stuborn enough to not let my heart cry alone in these dark winter nights.
I shall not give up yet I refuse to feel pain. I have more important things to do today then squirm at someone's mercy
How much do you believe in fantasy. If you ask me, not much... in fact, not at all even. I'm a pragmatist, I don't dwell in anything intangible. This is excatly the profile of Robert Philip (Patrick Dempsey's character) in he movie Enchanted.
But what if one day, a miracle falls down on your lap (literally in case of Robert). What would you do? Refuse to see it? Well, that's what I did (and what I still do). I just refuse to see it. Not because it was not a miracle, but... I guess, just like Robert, fantasy had been painful for me. All those days hoping, believeing and in the end finding yourself beaten to the ground bleeding to death in winter cold teaches me not to rely on fantasy.
And yet, gosh, and yet ... deep inside me, I desperately hope that I am wrong
I guess Giselle (Amy Adam's character) represents that miracle... a wide eyed, innocent miracle that you just fall in love with... well at least Robert did. Should I embrace my own miracle? Unlike Robert's this is the real world. There is no miracle here. Even if there is would the pain be worth it?
I don't know...
Maybe the movie is a sign, for me to hold on. Just wait a bit, miracle takes time sometimes.
...aku takkan mungkin pulang [Please listen to the music while reading]
Musuh terakhir ku tumpas jua. Betapa angin malam yang membelai medan perang ini terasa panas berbau darah. Ku lihat ke kanan dan ke kiri, tiada lagi teman yang berdiri, habis semua menyembah bumi. Ku pekik kan nama rakan seperjuangan, mengharap ada seorang dua yang masih bertahan, rupa baru aku sedar... di medan ini, aku kini keseorangan.
Nafas ku masih berlari kencang, akibat pertarungan yang baru sudah. Baru ku sedar, seluruh badan ku penuh luka yang parah, keringat di dahiku mencurah-curah, baju ku kini merah dengan darah, kepenatan mencengkam buat ku lemah.
Tiba-tiba terasa sunyinya medan ini, air mata mula mengalir di pipi, terkenangkan teman yang tiada lagi. Pedang yang ku hunus terjatuh dari jari jemari, keletihan memaksa aku berlutut memangku diri. Ingatanku melayang teringat orang yang disayangi.
"Kenapa Abah perlu pergi, Abang janji abang tak notty," kata anak sulungku sepurnama lalu. Ku sedar air matanya mula bertakung, namun sengaja ditahan. Nah, itu lah dia anak pejuang. "Abah perlu pergi bukan sebab Abang notty, tapi sebab ini tanggungjawab abah," "Tangungjawab tu apa abah?" tanya anak bongsu ku pula sambil memeluk teddybear tersayang "Nanti adik akan faham sendiri apa itu tanggungjawab" kata ku sambil mencium pipi kedua mereka.
Tiba-tiba, bunyi trompet musuh menyentak aku kembali ke medan ini. Nun di kaki langit, beribu jamung dapa kulihat. Rupanya masih ada lagi batalion musuh, mungkin seribu tentera, mungkin dua.
Benak kecil mula berbicara, bukankah senang untuk aku lari sahaja?. Berlari pulang pada Abang dan Adik. Apa yang mampu aku buat di sini? Mana mungkin mampu aku hadapi, tentera beribu bersenjata rapi, sedangkan aku hanya sendiri.
Ya, aku mesti lari. Mungkin kah aku pergi ke utara, ada hutan yang lebat di sana. Mampu aku bertahan sehari dua. Atau aku pergi ke selatan, gunung-gunung nya tinggi mencecah awan. Gua-guanya bersimpang siur. Buat musuh menjadi kabur.
Atau harus kah aku berdiri di sini? Tak putus harap dengan rahmat Ilahi. Hati tak goyah bagai dipatri. Bacul pengecut jauh sekali.
Lalu aku bangun berdiri. Walaupun kepenatan tak tertanggung lagi. Kegenggam kemas pedang di sisi. Sedia untuk perjuangan yang sekian kali.
Hati ku berdoa sepi, "Wahai Tuhan yang nyawaku di tangan, Berdiri nya aku di sini bukan mengharap kemenangan, tapi kerana perintah Mu memberi larangan, Jangan berputus asa di perjuangan"
"Aku takkan berputus harapan, pada Tuhan Yang Maha Penyayang, Walau pun jantung berombak kencang Walau pun aku tinggal seorang Walau pun musuh beribu yang datang Walau pun nafas ku semakin hilang Walau pun kepenatan bukan kepalang Walau pun kelukaan buat ku pincang Walau pun kerinduan pada Adik dan Abang Walaupun hari ini...aku takkan mungkin pulang"
[Please listen to the music, Take a few deep breath before reading]
What is wrong with me? All of a sudden I feel pain, Deep gnawing unforgiving pain. The pain is familiar but I haven't felt like this for a long time. It can't be true. I'm a grown man now, I have aged with time... And yet this pain make me fall to my knees. I try to stand up again, Every time I do, the pain would come crashing on my shoulders forcing me to fall again. It is raining and I'm soaking wet, yet my throat is dry due to my panting and breathing. Wish I could drink a whole river but I can only sip any rain drops that fall on my lips... I guess for now that will do. Right now I don't even know if I will ever get back home again. Right now the only thing I have is faith and prayers for I have done my all. God please save me... you're the only one I have left.
I was soaked from head to toe Serves me right for running in the rain I just want to bring this flower to you And I'm not asking for more than a smile The night is dark and windy and the candle is flickering And here I am missing you so much I make excuses to call just to see if you're fine I pray for you every chance I get I look into your eyes to see if I can read your mind Please look at me Can't you see I'm in pain Can't you tell... That I love you
azrulhasni (12/7/2007 12:43:37 PM): sedey sangat ke sajak tuh? friend R (12/7/2007 12:43:51 PM): dh kuar air mata dah tadi friend R (12/7/2007 12:43:56 PM): naseb baek aircond friend R (12/7/2007 12:44:01 PM): cepat kering
Rase rendah diri dan terharu la plak, anyway, thank you for all you support :)
My idea on using GRAFCET as a coordination language was quoted by an article on infoq by Jean-Jacques Dubray. The author made a very interesting remark about how services, resources and business processes are tied together: resources are modeled as business objects which states are mutated by services. These services are then tied together using business processes. In this posting I would like to put forward an idea on how resources state management can be done with GRAFCET (Jean-Jacques proposes a solution using BPEL+BPMN+SOAP)
First I would like to emphasis that this is just another way of looking at the problem. It has it's own advantages and drawbacks (especially since this is just an unpolished idea at this stage)
One of the advantages of GRAFCET (and also JBPL and Petri nets) is the notion of tokens. Tokens is what actually mutates the state of a GRAFCET. A step with a token is active and a step without a token is not active. When a step is active, an action attached to the step is then invoked. [In your usual industrial setting, we would not evoke the notion of tokens because there is only one type (or color if you prefer the Petri net notation) of token at one time. In such a case it would be easier to argue in terms of active steps instead of tokens]
Now integrating the notion of colored tokens into GRAFCET (yes yes, colored tokens are not part of the IEC standard but having colored tokens is just like having GRAFCETs without colored tokens duplicated and runned in parallel), we can easily model a resource as a particular color of a token.
So now, a GRAFCET can model exactly the state-machine of a resource. In fact, with the notion of parallelism integrated within a GRAFCET, we can go beyond single active state state-machines: I.E. a resource can be in several states at the same time (imagine for example, a document is being reviewed by 3 different reviewers and thus would have three distinct state at the same time - Reviewed by A, reviewed by B, reviewed by C) and these parallel states can evolve as independently as needed but can also be synchronized at some point.
To accommodate this idea, the actions in a GRAFCET should be modeled as loosely coupled services that accept tokens, mutate the tokens' state and return the tokens back to the originating GRAFCET. Note that in such a case, the GRAFCET is not strictly centralized since actions can be distributed. [In fact, the GRAFCET itself can be distributed (Gemma + master slave architecture) but that's a topic for another day]. The tokens are actually "injected" into an action, prompting the action to start working and returned back (outjected? - borrowing from Seam framework) to the GRAFCET once the action is over.
Note: The token is actually passed around and therefore can contain data such as history, say for compensation. These data do not have to reside directly within the token, rather, the token's id can be used as a key to the data residing in some database somewhere.
Note2: An action in a GRAFCET does not necessarily have to be a computation. It can also be human intervention. A token can be passed to a web server that will take display the token (remember a token is a resource, like a document for example) on a user "task portal". The user can inspect the token, mutate its sate and click on "done" by which the token would be delivered back to the GRAFCET.
Note3: GRAFCET is a reactive system. I.e. a step is not active until a token is delivered to it. An action does nothing until a token is injected to it. Because of this, GRAFCET is ideal in long-running processes. It can be days before an action is done but that will not bother the GRAFCET a bit. In fact, the whole GRAFCET can be serialized and stored somewhere and deserialized back once a token arrives from an action.
Have you ever felt that the whole world is against you and yet you just can't give up, not now, not when you're so close, not with all the signs you've been seeing... and yet, it's so painful to stay. God, where am I? Please bring me home....
Hati... [Please listen to the music while reading this]
Wahai hati tenang lah Seperti tenangnya Ismail ketika pipinya mencecah batu penyembelihan Kerana seperti Ismail, Tuhan akan menyelamatkan mu Kerana yakinlah Dia akan menggantikan nyawa mu dengan korban yang agung
Wahai hati tegarlah Setegar hati tentera Talut ketika kehausan Nah dihadapan mereka seluas-luas sungai, namun Tuhan mengizinkan minum hanya seteguk Betapa dengan seteguk air itulah yang membakar Iman dihati mereka untuk menang
Aku tahu wahai hati, soalan mu Di bahu manakah bakal kucurahkan tangis ini, Di laut manakah bakal ku layarkan gundah ku ini, Di gunung manakah bakal ku jeritkan isi ku yang selama ini memamah diri secara perlahan, Di pohon manakah bakal aku berlindung dari hujan sunyi, Di pangkuan siapakah tempat aku mengadu ketika terasa seperti seluruh dunia menentang setiap usahaku Di langit manakah bakal aku berteduh memohon doa kepada-Nya
Wahai Tuhan yang memiliki hati ini Engkau kurniakan sekelumit rasa buat menguji Betapa hinanya hamba-MU kerana menangisi takdir-Mu Tapi hati hamba-Mu ini jauh sekali dari hati seorang insan bernama Ismail
Hati ini cuma hati yang kerdil bersimpuh hina mengemis di hujung rahmat-Mu Pinta diubati luka yang masih berdarah, Pinta dikurnia barang secarik sayang Ampun kan lah hati ku yang tak mampu menghadapi ujian-Mu
A cut is always deeper that it seems (sad ain't it)
I had a cut on my finger at the office today. It was a fairly deep cut (right thought my finger joints). I was squirming in pain and the toilet sink was red with my blood by the time I finish cleaning the cut.
I actually cut myself with a scissor while opening something I bought earlier. Blood were flowing and I quickly applied pressure on the cut while squirming in pain. I ask the girl sitting next to my office if there's some medication, I just had a deep cut. While still gleefully chatting and giggling with some online boyfriends, she said no. I ask if she could look around and find something. Maybe someone else in the office had some medicated plaster or something. With a I'm-sorry-but-my-boyfriends-are-more-important-than-that-squirming -pain-you-have-or-your-very-existance-BTW look she left... and continue using computers somewhere else.
Empathy is so low these days (unless of course you're that cute hottie from Korea with your messy hair and pretentious attitude) it's appalling. I'm not asking that that people rush me to the nearby ER or anything, but to just stop what you're doing, try your best to help a guy in pain is not, in my humble and apparently utterly useless opinion, to much of a "pain"
God forbid if I do need to go to the ER, i guess they would only find out a few weeks after that when they smell rotten flesh coming from my office.
A few years back, I went to this seminar conducted by one of the University here regarding open source (The real name of the university is not revealed to protect the innocent from raging open source fanboy-lunatics). There was one brochure that was interesting, it list out all the open source software made by the University, and they were a plenty. I approach the organizer for futher info.
Me: Hi, I am really interested in these open source software you have Organizer: Yes we use open source extensively here Me: Cool, so, where can I download these software Organizer: Download? well... no, these software is ours. It'll be wastefull to let outsiders download it rite? *smirking* Me: But, isn't it open source Organizer: Well, we use php, apache, mysql so it's open source Me: Under what license are you releasing these software Organizer: License? err... what license?
Well, I found out indirectly that these software are actually not open source. They are in fact proprietary... and guess what, I have encounter this again and again in the Malaysian IT industry where open source is redefined.
Open source: A software build on a LAMP stack, regardless of its license.
Non open source: Anything else despite being licensed under GPL, build usig Netbeans, running in Glassfish on top of OpenJDK in an open source OpenSPARC processor.
This stupid definition trickles down to developers.
Everywhere else: An open source developer = a developer who donate his code under an OSDL approved license
Malaysia: An open source developer = someone who uses LAMP
This stupid definition actually hurts the open source adaption in Malaysia. Previously, there was a certain degree of advocacy of open source in the Malaysian gov. as far as IT procument is concern: when there are two products of similar functionality and quality, an open source product must be given priority. But guess what, due to the stupid definition above tons of proprietary php projects has been shoved into the goverment's collective throats. In fact, it gave Microsoft a bullet to shoot down the advocacy by saying "hey, it's not open source guys, so why don't we drop the advocacy anyway"... so there goes the advocacy.
If there's one thing open source advocates need to change in Malaysia is that stupid deifnition that sticks in so many heads here.